“Children are more than their ability to sleep through the night. They are more than their willingness to instantly obey. They are more than a grade. They are more than a mood. They are more than they display at any given moment, more than what we see on the surface. They are human beings. Messy and beautiful, wild and compassionate, and worth getting to know, not just getting to mind.” I love this quote by Rebecca Eanes from her book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide. For most of us, these words sound so foreign and can even make us feel uncomfortable. We might think “but I thought out worth is defined by what we accomplish and what we have to show as a result of those accomplishments?”
When I talk to parents about this approach to parenting, they even begin to worry that it will lead to raising spoiled, self-centered, and unmotivated children. Fathers, especially, worry that they will raise children who are too “soft” and “sensitive”. But decades of research findings teach us that fostering children’s sense of self through compassion and respect will lead to children who are high on empathy and drive, who grow up to be adults with healthy and meaningful relationships who have lower rates of mental health problems. Also, you can celebrate the child you have AND still set healthy boundaries and be firm. What we know for sure is that when parents often engage in the below practices, children’s self esteem improve, defiant and attention seeking behaviors reduce, peer relationships blossom, and risk for unsafe behaviors during teenage years subside.
Here are some ways you can celebrate your children for who they are to foster in them a healthier sense of self.
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Celebrate the small acts. Rather than focusing on the end goal (getting an A), focus and compliment your children on their progress and the effort.
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Tell children statements that foster their sense of self, such as
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Spending time with you makes me happy.
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I love seeing your smiling face this morning.
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You are a wonderful thing to wake up to.
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I’m proud of you for who you are.
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I love you no matter what.
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You are so much fun to be with.
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You bring a lot of joy to our family.
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I am happy to share my life with you.
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Fill your child’s emotional cup. Sometimes we get caught up in the rush and routines of the everyday and aren’t conscious about filling up our children emotionally. This just means helping them feel loved, valued, accepted, and approved of. Spend one-on-one time with your child. Leave love notes in their lunchbox or on their pillow. Take a few extra moments for affection. Offer a hug. Give them a pat on the back when you pass by them. Smile when they enter the room and make eye contact. These simple things convey the message “you matter to me all the time.”
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Speak appreciation for the everyday things your kids do that are kind, good, or helpful. We feel good when someone shows appreciation for the little things we do. How often do we tell our kids we appreciate that they put their toys away or fed the cat or shared with a sibling? Because we expect these things to occur, we usually only notice when they don’t. Make a habit of noticing the positive.
If you notice that engaging in these behaviors with your children is very challenging for you, or that it brings up a lot of difficult emotions in you when you try to treat your children this way, it might be a sign that you have a difficult time accepting, loving, and celebrating the true person that YOU are. It might mean that you need your children to be a certain way so you can feel better about your own accomplishments.
If you feel that some of this might be happening for you, engaging in your own individual therapy might be needed. Often, we need someone from the outside to help us process these emotions and foster a healthier and more authentic relationship with ourselves so that we can begin to engage more meaningfully with our children.
